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Conservatives plan to resurrect public support by creating new Bank Holiday to ‘watch soaps’.

Boris Johnson and his cabinet have today suggested a plan to allow the public a bank holiday to catch up on EastEnders and Coronation street.

The plan, which will ask the cast of both soap operas to film feature length episodes, has been called the ‘best way to reinstate faith in the government’. 

Johnson, who himself has never watched a soap opera, said earlier: “I was amazed, Ms Patel told me there’s this type of telebob show that common people watch, where families engage in outlandish activities including murder and adultery, I’m told it’s extremely popular” 

Leader of the House of Commons, Jacob Reese-Mog said: “the best way to get these poor people to stay indoors is to fill their screen with uneducated garbage that they so adore, it’s a double whammy, the fools think we’re giving them a day off, which they’ll love because they’re lazy, and we get to keep them locked in doors to keep the virus down, they’ll adore us AND keep that virus from spreading to us”

The bank holiday would be in late January. Johnson plans to use the the time off to travel to Mauritius, where he plans on staying in a £5,000 a night resort for up to 4 weeks, greatly exceeding the two days off to watch telly.

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Fake News Fake News

PMQS: Kier Starmer Challenges Boris Johnson to a duel

During todays Prime Ministers Questions, Labour leader Sir Kier Starmer challenged PM Boris Johnson to a sword duel. 

57 year old former human-rights lawyer, Starmer, said the best way to truly see if the Prime Minister was up to the task of navigating this pandemic was to compete in a one on one dual. 

Johnson, who is no stranger to posh-boy antics, laughed at the challenge, claiming Starmer wouldn’t know a “real sword if he walked into it”

Starmer retaliated: “Mr Johnson, I truly believe it is in the interest of the entire nation to understand if you truly can dual, or are you scared to lose?”

Johnson then seemingly blundered, the new social distancing measures in the house of commons meant that his assistant passing him prompt cards was not so discrete, as a white note was tapped on the prime minister’s shoulder. Cameras inside the chamber revealed three words written on the card: ‘call him names’.

The prime minister obliged, and proceeded with a barrage of upper-class insults: “You great big cock-womble, you are floccinaucinihilipilificatious how dare you challenge my dueling credentials, I was top of the class in Eton.. I think.. maybe.. not sure.. perhaps.. either way wait till my father hears about this”. And alas, the prime minister stormed out, clearly unable to contain his rage.

Starmer hit Johnson where it hurt, it’s fair to say. This PMQs was a Starmer masterclass.