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Man eats bat in China: North of England claims independence

A man in the Chinese city of Whuan, ate a bat sometime in December 2019; prompting the North of England to claim independence from its leadership in Westminster.

The consumption of the wild animal, believed to have been purchased in a Chinese wet market, caused a minor, uneventful disease called ‘Covid-19’ to spread around the globe.

The disease, which reached the UK in February, has had a greater impact on the northern regions, such as Manchester and Liverpool, than that of the South. After failed talks between regional councils and Westminster overcompensation for businesses effected by the disease, the North, under former Manchester mayor Andy Burnham, has now declared it’s self an independent state.

Prime Minsiter Boris Johnson in late February said the UK would “take [the disease] on the chin” and that it was “imperative that we put the economy ahead of some coffin-dodgers”

Since it hit the British Isles, Covid-19 has claimed 47,000 lives. Health Secretary Matt Hancock claimed that the deaths were “people on their way out anyway”.

On the stalling talks with then-mayor Andy Burnham, The Prime Minister also said: “We will not be held to ransom by a couple of poor peop- ..sorry I mean northern people who don’t know the first thing about economic planning” 

Andy Burnham, who made his name as a skilled Councillor for Winterfell, will now assume the role under the new-formed government as King of the North; making England two independent states; the South and the North. 

Burnham took to Manchester town hall to declare independence after a resounding poll found that 9/10 northerners wanted him to lead them. The modest mayor said Infront of a packed, gleaming crowed: “You all crowned me your king. I never wanted it. I never asked for it. But I accepted it because the North is my home!” applause exploded as the hands of over a thousand northerners clapped in awe of their new leader. Beer flew across the packed hall as tankards of fine ale were raptouesly flung into the air. 

35 rebel MP’s from the houses of parliament in London sat next to the new king on a long, single table, upon his proclamation that the north was his home, a chorus of skidding chairs was heard as the men and women took to their feet, kicking the seats backwards, they shouted “to the king in the North!” and raised flasks, books, smartphones and whatever else they could find with an outstretched right hand; then fell to one knee and bowed their head to their new leader.

Marcus Rashford, the part-time Wythenshawe footballer has been appointed Burnham’s deputy; as “Chancellor of the North”. He plans to continue his commitments to football, too. 

This is another step in what Conservative voters and leaders are calling “Boris’ Brexit masterplan”. The Southern conservative Home Secretary, Priti Patal, said this was exactly what voters wanted in December, “they wanted a true, granite Brexit – in dismantling the British union we have rid the country of several million undesirable remoaners who were adamant that we keep in touch with our EU neighbours, not on our watch!”

Burnham, who has championed policies like caring for the homeless, compassion for those less fortunate and looking after the most vulnerable in society has been called a “radical maverick” by conservative politicians who claim that caring for people in the 5th richest country on earth is simply impossible if the rich want to stay rich.